WHAT THE FU*CK HAPPENED???

If this picture interests you, you will keep reading! I promise you there are more of these towards the end!

Today was a great day for all Chicago Bears fans across the country! Do you guys know why? They finally cut that impostor of a Football player wearing a Bears jersey named Adam Archuleta.

Now I’m not going to lie, when the Bears signed Adam Archuleta last year, I was kind of excited. Even though he had failed in Washington in his previous year, I still had some faith that the Bears front office knew what it was doing when it signed Archuleta to a significantly big contract, and then went on to trade Wesley and Harris, our other Safeties, before the season even started. I guess that was my first mistake right there, putting my trust into the Bears management and their ways. Now I can rant about that one for a while if we want to get into these following topics - Bumson, Thomas Jones, contract issues to just name a few, but let’s get on with this post why don’t we? Anyways getting back to the Archuleta signing, I tried to look for positives in his signing, as all optimistic Chicago fans usually do. I thought well maybe since Archuleta was a pretty solid player when he was back with the Rams, where Lovie was the defensive coordinator, and because Archuleta knew Lovie’s Cover 2 system, that he might turn out to be a good pickup for us. A lot of my other fellow Bears fans told me that he was absolute garbage, and to stop being a homer, but I didn’t see it that way. I think that might be my biggest fault when it comes to my opinions on Chicago Sports, but F it, yes I’m a Bears homer, and yes I drink wayyy too much Bears Kool-aid every single year, but at that moment I swear, I really did think Archuleta could be productive here. But then, THE SEASON STARTED!!!

After seeing Archuleta start for the Bears last year I have to admit that Archuleta looked worse than a biggie/nottie combination at a bar, even when you are hammered! He was by far THE WORST safety I had ever seen in my life, and I have watched a lot of Football.

Archuleta couldn’t tackle anyone, couldn't stop the run, couldn’t cover anyone, and umm did I say couldn’t cover anyone. He finally then got demoted towards the end of last year, which prompted most fans to ask at that time, LOVIE, WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG??? Leave it up to Lovie Smith to make adjustments. Or do I mean lack of adjustments, since he never seems to make any, EVER!! Another topic I can go on and on about(think back to Steve Smith torching our entire team in the playoffs), if given the time. But let’s bring our focus back to our main man here, Adam Archuleta.

Now I know Archuleta was good for a few years because I remember people talking about him and him being on SI and ESPN many times back then as well. So I decided to look up his stats on the Rams to figure out why the Skins gave him such a big contract in the first place a couple of years ago. What I found was actually pretty surprising. When I went over his stats at first, I thought I was seeing things because his numbers turned out to be actually pretty good. Check them out here if you get a chance. So then a question popped into my head, if Adam Archuleta was good once upon a time, then WHAT THE FUCK happened to him???

How can one player go from a solid starting safety who just got a huge contract, to such a struggling player, relegated to Special Teams duty for the 7-9 Chicago Bears?? This question drove me crazy for a little while, so I had to find out anything I could about Adam Archuleta via Google to get an answer for this one. I had to figure out how he could possibly suck so much this past year, maybe something happened to him, something had changed in his life? I searched and searched on the web, trying to dig up whatever I could on this guy, and then it finally hit me! I found out that Archuleta is married to a Playboy Playmate!!!! Her name is Jennifer Walcott, and she is off the hook. Now the wheels started turning in my brain, hmm maybe this was it??

So to take it a step further, I tried to dig up when they started dating, and what I found out was the answer to my question. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ADAM ARCHULETA???? This is what happened!

Take a look at this website, it says Walcott and Archuleta started dating in 2005. Now take a look at Archuleta's numbers right after that! The guy went from a starting Safety in the league, to a bench riding joke that AM stations continually ride on, all because of his playmate wife!!!

It all made sense to me now. During film sessions, instead of listening to Lovie talk about the boring Cover 2, Archuleta was in lala land dreaming about his playmate, and how he was going to dock her at night. During practices and games, Archuleta wasn't really slow, he was just tired from staying up all night because he was docking his bunny!!! I mean damn, could you blame the guy?

Ahhh how the pieces have come together now!!! Now we all know the real reason Adam Archuleta was garbage last year! Although I think Archuleta might be the one laughing at us right now, seeing as how he robbed the Bears and Skins of millions, and oh yes, he has a PLAYMATE AS A WIFE!!! F it, why am I even hating on this guy, I should be saluting him. Here's to you Adam Archuleta, a juker and a pimp!

P.S. - We hope a huge blog like Si's Extra Mustard, Deadspin, DofD, Fanhouse or The Big Lead can link this for us so people can finally realize what dock and docking means!! We have gotten a lot of emails about that, so this should take care of it! Haha, take care playaz!

P.P.S. - Maybe I should look up the whole Romo/Jessica connection and see if this Archuleta theory applies to them...

Lastly, here are some more pics of the culprit, if you are interested of course.